This piece is hard for me to write. I don’t know why. Oh, wait, I know why. Cause it’s so personal. Love. Romantic Love. Love? Love it’s a virtue. Love is so desperately wanted, hunted and needed. Our very condition is to either crave for Love or experience it. There’s only one issue, though.
Love is not branded. And because of that, there are a lot of fake substitutes on the market. There’s a lot of crap that gets sold for huge amounts of money, energy, attention and time. The trouble with love is that when you need it badly, you have to pay a huge price for it. Not only this, but you’ll only get rare glimpses of true love. By all accounts, you’ll pay a huge price for a diluted substitute. A substitute that will cause you more pain than joy.
How is this possible? Actually, it’s pretty simple. I will focus on the subset of Love that’s usually called Romantic Love. When we’re small we desperately need the love and attention of the opposite parent. If you’re a little girl you crave for your father’s complete love and attention. If you’re a little boy you crave for your mother’s complete love and attention.
It’s a natural impulse to connect with the opposite energy, to experience the balance, to become whole. What happens if you don’t get enough of that love and attention? If your parents are so focused on themselves and their problems that they rob you of that gift? Or if they’re not around?
Most likely you’ll grow up and become addicted to the energy of the opposite sex. You’ll carry deep within your trauma, your lack, your need. And you’ll be desperately seeking for women or men who can give you a temporary relief. This is the point where things get more and more fucked up. You need the love but at the same time, you can’t allow yourself to experience it. Because you’re not prepared for it. It’s like you’re living an intense, grueling teasing for months, years or even your whole life.
They say that the relationship with the opposite parent sets the stage for all the romantic relationships you’ll experience in your life. So, if your mother of father didn’t love you or ignored you, you’ll be looking for a partner that will act in the same way. The more you need that opposite energy, the less you’ll truly get it. Because you’re going to choose partners that are incapable of truly loving you. Or you’re going to filter out the love they send towards you and continue to live in a state of lack and dissatisfaction. You’re living, again and again, your scenario, despite the external circumstances. The exceptions to this scenario are rare and spectacular because they totally transform one’s life.
And there’s more to this “scarce love” scenario. If you’re desperate for “Love” you’ll be willing to do a lot of crazy things to get it and secure it. You’ll be ready to sacrifice your soul, your perspective, your independence, your friends, for a small dose of attention and validation. No, not love. Attention and validation. Those poor substitutes we were talking about. You’ll become a slave to your partner. And you’ll sacrifice your life and your dreams for your partner’s emotional or practical needs. Sounds crazy? Look around. How many happy couples, that support each other dreams and independence do you know?
So, is there any way to overcome this pattern, to open yourself towards love? I believe it is. You’ll find true love when you don’t need it. When you already have it inside yourself. When your heart is open. When you carry the love 24/7 inside yourself. When you share it with others. Men, women, children, animals, trees, rivers :).
There’s a great quote that says: “We don’t attract what we want, we attract what we are”. This is also true with love. Usually, the people who are alone, closed, frustrated, sad, depressed will attract similar people and circumstances. And the people who are popular, open, happy, joyful, lovable will attract similar people and circumstances.
Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.
Matthew 13:12 (this is from the Bible).
These are all nice theories. But how can you break free from this vicious circle? How can you discover love within yourself? How can you love and be loved? I don’t know the exact answer but there’s one golden rule: switch the focus from outside to inside. Forget about that one magical partner that will fix everything in your life and will give you true love. Take responsibility for the things you want. Set a goal to become happy and full of love without a romantic partner. Become emotional independent. Learn to give and receive love, unconditionally in all areas of your life.
Open your heart to love. When you’re ready, you’ll find thousands of ways to experience love outside the classic romantic relationships.
Love is everywhere and love is in you. You just need to dig deep enough, under all those layers of mental and emotional bullshit. There is a small minority of fortunate people who grew up in happy families where they received a lot of love and attention. They usually share that love all around them. They shine like a lighthouse. And there are a lot of other people who took a long and hard road to discover those things by themselves or with the help of others. Some do it in 2 years, others in 40. Yet you can see on their faces how far they’ve come from their initial standpoint.
And of course, there is also the vast majority who continues to believe in the romantic love myth. Those are the people who secretly dream about that One Person. About that One Special Relationship that will change everything. About that white prince. About that ….. princess. They also secretly dream about owning a unicorn.
As I prepare to finish writing this article I realize a funny thing: parents who love us set us free. The same goes for the partners who truly love us.
Now go buy that unicorn.
PS1: I wrote this article for myself, to clear my thoughts and my soul. I’m no expert in relationships and I don’t pretend to be one. If something resonated with you, feel free to use it :). If you think this article is stupid, or I’m stupid, please send me a long email with a bullet list of your reasons.
PS2: I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings about the love relationships and your experience with them in the comments. Let’s discuss things and learn from one another.
PS3: Here’s the guide I promised in the title. It has only 3 steps:
- Learn to be happy on your own
- Meet another happy, independent person
- Create a happy romantic relationship